I didn’t connect to him as a child or teen. My dad failed to understand me, he failed to show his love to me unconditionally and he failed to affirm me as a man. I had “Your Other Brothers” who like me, were Christians who struggled with their SSA. And seeing how many common life-experiences we all shared made me realize I was not alone. Reading the stories of other men who had changed gave me hope. But my SSA hadn’t gone away, and I really never understood how it developed myself, so until recently I had no way to explain it to my wife. I had confessed that I had been in a same-sex relationship before we got married and I have never acted out with another man again. I am in process and happily making progress both in my journey into manhood and in recovery for my porn addiction.Įarly in 2015, I confessed my porn addiction to my wife and explained what I was discovering about the SSA I had. And that led me to a journey of self-discovery and self-therapy to find healing and wholeness and peace for my soul. He showed me that gay porn was not the problem, but the symptom of something much deeper–my unresolved past that led to my SSA. His answer surprised me–often In His wisdom He answers in our prayers in a better way than we asked for.
I started to look for answers and was praying sincerely to to the LORD for help to end my addiction. My Christian Faith couldn’t stand it and I was overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Within a year, it was definitely an addiction and I was miserable. Not to be nostalgic about simpler times–but that is one area I wish technology hadn’t improved on! Internet porn was not around when I was a teen, so that temptation was not there. Ha ha ha! I was around 53 years old when I started watching gay porn! So, no, neither my mom nor my dad caught me watching gay porn. * Photo courtesy Johnny …on and off, Creative Commons. Has your dad ever failed you in a significant way? Did your parents discover your gay pornography usage, or did you come clean to them first? Again.Īnd I was more alone than ever in my struggle. Here is what I do know: my dad had failed me. It’s not a topic I really want to bring up either. Or if they found the wrong stash of porn. I almost wonder if they really knew and just decided to scare me into purity. And yet I don’t think you just forget about your son’s gay porn addiction. Years later when I told my parents about my struggle, they said they had no idea about this. And yet the homosexual nature of my pornography use never came up in the conversation with my dad. I feel like that’s something that would stick out to you as a parent. He never even mentioned the fact that I was looking at gay porn. Here was the new beginning for my father and me.Īnd then my father never spoke to me about pornography use again. I was so excited to start a new chapter with my dad - a chance to get past the disappointments and hurts of years past. I got up and hugged my dad and thanked him. I finally looked up at my dad, tears pouring from my eyes. I was actually going to get help with my pornography addiction! I will be here for you to talk with you about this and walk through this with you.” I want to help you find freedom from this addiction. However, there is freedom there is a way out. He told me that this happens to many men, that sin is a part of being a human. I simply turned my stare to the ground, bracing myself for whatever came next. Would I be locked in a room for the rest of my life? Was I going to be sent away to one of the middle of nowhere camps to work the fields while memorizing the book of Proverbs? Legally, he couldn’t kick me out of the house. I had no idea what he was going to say next. Worse, I was caught by my parents in a terrible porn addiction. I was trapped in a terrible porn addiction. Several years following the moment my dad said he was disappointed in me for playing a woman’s instrument, I now sat here facing a new level of disappointment from my father. “Dean, we know you’ve been looking at pornography.” But the tears that began welling in my eyes betrayed me. I tried to play ignorant, hoping if I looked innocent perhaps this conversation would end right away. My parents are smart people they know many things. My father sat across from me, looking more serious than I had ever witnessed. I swallowed hard and turned my head to face my dad so he knew I understood him. I had a feeling I was supposed to respond. My dad wanted to talk to me of course it wasn’t going to be good. There was a more than decent chance that it wasn’t going to be good. I didn’t want to know what he was about to say. I sat glued to my chair, frozen looking at the TV.